Today is a vent day.
So I sit here thinking of my grandma as she lays dieing and I have so many things that are going through my mind. Death is not unknown to me, I have had 4 people close to me die in the last few years. Each death brings with it different regrets and pain. I don't know what is worse, loosing someone so quickly that you do not get the chance to let them know how much you love them (that one last time) or watching someone suffer as you selfishly hoard as many memories away as you can.
I can say with my grandma as hard as it to fathom not having her, that I hope that her journey on this earth does not last much longer. I feel shame for being frustrated with her the last few good months I had with her before she became sick, I regret that I didn't make the effort to see her more when she lived so close and I had the time, and I selfishly think how come there are bad people still walking around when someone so good has to leave us. In the end I guess the only thing I can do is hope that she truly knows how much I love her, how much she impacted me, and how empty a part of our lives will be without her presents.
A few years ago she asked me to make a poem for her funeral (she has always been one of my biggest fans), at the time I told her to stop talking like that and she chuckled in the way she always did and said well we all gotta prepare for the end. I decided instead to write a poem celebrating her life and I gave it to her the next Christmas. I am going to add it below, though the end has been changed to what it will be for her funeral. I don't know how I am going read it there but maybe her love shining down will give me the courage. Sorry about the vent but I needed to write somewhere all the thoughts going through my head.
Grandma
She came from humble beginnings with two loving parents,
A bright beautiful child, sibling, and friend.
To a family that loved her to the depths of their hearts,
Can any of us ask for more than this gentle start?
And as she grew her beauty shone bright,
An inner peace, a radiance of light.
She dreamed of a husband and a child or two,
And one day not long after her dreams came true.
But life tends to hand us adversity to face,
But along with adversity, strength and knowledge follow its place.
No matter what trials or tribulations came her way,
She would cry, she would pray, and than face each new day.
For she was a mother with children in her keep,
And that was always more important to her than losing some sleep.
She tried to give them the world in the palm of their hands,
Instead she built strong loving children like only a mother can.
Step by small step, with heartache and tears;
with pain and joy, with love and fears.
With kindness and patience she faced the world,
For family, for love, and a shy little girl.
She taught me to be the best me that I can,
She imprinted my life, all that I will be, all that I am.
And as she aged and wisdom she faced,
More beautiful she became in her last earthly stages.
She gave herself freely to church, family, and friends,
Because she learned in life love is eternal, it never ends.
And as we weep for the loss of this angel on earth,
The angels in heaven rejoice in her worth.
Thank you dear grandma, mother, sister, and friend,
Your legacy lives on forever, because of you we never end.
Jessi Leigh
